Just be.

The guy I lost my virginity to was careful. He called me ‘baby’ every time we were in his bed. At first I thought he was just protecting me but after he slept with two of my friends, I found out he was really just protecting himself. In the end, I still find myself half dressed each time I’m with him, with his hand between my legs and a bottle of whiskey down my throat.
People said I’d look for him in every guy afterwards, but that has never been the case.

The next guy was a bitch and he was so mesmerized by me that it made me ill. Every time I rolled over he’d stop and say ‘are you okay?’ and I pretended I was, but I never really was. His dad caught us in the back of his truck once and even though it was forbidden, he kept me around until his dad kicked him out.
People said I’d come around sometime, but that was never the case.

The next guy was beautiful but he didn’t give a damn about me. Each time he unbuttoned my shirt, I left my heart on the floor with it, because I knew that it didn’t belong in his bed. The sex was always rough, but he’d finish it out with a kiss on the forehead, then scramble to pull his clothes back on so he could go see his girlfriend.
People said I’d feel guilty about that, but that was never the case.

The guy after that didn’t know I was 17, he still doesn’t, because he doesn’t know my real name. My friends told me to go for it because he lit up like Christmas lights when he saw me dancing across the room. I had an adrenaline rush, and his kisses tasted like vodka. He had money, and we did it in the back of his limo at least three times that night.
People never commented about it, because no one knows it happened.

But you, my best friend, you had always glued my heart back together. Each time I was left, you’d come and let me cry on your shoulder and told me ‘everything is going to be okay.’ You told me we’d be married with two kids in a big house some day because you would never hurt me. And it hurts me that I ever believed that. I didn’t even have the energy to make it upstairs to your bedroom, so instead you fucked me on the couch and told me to let myself out the next morning.
People said you’d love me forever, but clearly that wasn’t the case.

— the boys I slept with (via vodkaawaves)